No Tomorrow (Page 85)
Mental recovery? Blue is exhausted, and had a bout of depression compounded by stress. He needs to rest and get away from the crazy stress of the band and the fans. It’s too much for him. Hell, it would probably be too much for anyone. He’s not mental.
This doctor has to understand that I need to do something for the man I love. “Can I bring him some things and let the nurse give it to him then? Like his favorite dinner and breakfast? And his guitar? He always sleeps with his favorite guitar in his room.”
“We can talk about diet tomorrow, but it will most likely be a few days before he’ll have any interest in food. He can’t have any objects in the room that he could use to harm himself. His room has been cleared and he has a round-the-clock guard in there to watch him.”
“I don’t understand why I can’t watch him, then. I’m more than happy to sit with him. I’ll just read or watch television. He’s not going to like a stranger in his room.”
The doctor won’t budge. “I’m sorry, but we can’t allow you to do that. Once he does accept visitors, it will be with his approval only. You’ll also have to remove any objects and clothing that could be used to harm himself or someone else. The nurse will go over all that with you.”
“For God’s sake, he’s not a criminal.” I look from the doctor to Reece. I don’t understand any of this.
“We understand that, Miss Karel. I can assure you, this is all for his own safety. I suggest you folks go home and get some rest, and we’ll see how he’s doing tomorrow. I promise he’s in good hands.” He hands me a plastic bag he’s been holding. “These are his belongings.”
Reece walks me back to the main lobby. “You should go to your hotel, have some dinner, call your daughter. It’s late and we’re all exhausted. We can meet back here tomorrow morning. Maybe we can convince one of the doctors to let us see him. We’re going to have to release a statement, too, since obviously the rest of our dates are cancelled now. I’ll talk to Vic about it.”
I don’t want to leave. I want to park my a*s right outside the door of Blue’s room and be as close to him as I possibly can. I know as soon as he wakes up he’s going to want me close to him and I don’t want him to feel alone for a second. I don’t even know if he knows I’m here.
“Reece, please make sure nothing bad is written about him. Nobody needs to know what happened, right? Can you just tell everyone it was an accident?”
Blue would never want the entire world to know that he attempted to take his own life. Especially after he’s worked so hard to fix his reputation. And I don’t ever want Lyric to read about this or hear about it. It would completely devastate her.
“We’ll do what we can but it’s really hard to keep things like this a secret, Piper. Blue is easily recognizable and I’m sure at least fifty hospital staff have seen him already. We can’t make those people be quiet. They can run their mouths all they want.”
“That’s insane. Isn’t it illegal and unethical for them to talk about patients? And to give out their names?”
“F**k yeah it is, but it will be impossible for the hospital to figure out who leaked the info. All the news has to say is ‘a source suggested’ or ‘possible suicide attempt.’ Our lawyers can’t stop rumors and that’s all they need for a good story. There’s no such thing as true privacy once you’re anything close to famous.”
“That’s awful.” I’m disgusted. “I don’t understand why I can’t see him. I’m not going to bother him, I just want to be there for him, so he’s not alone.”
“I know, but it’s protocol. He attempted suicide. He heard voices, took a handful of pills, and jumped off a roof. They’re not going to just let him waltz around and let people wander in and out of his room. Any one of us could be a trigger for him. He might try to do it again. They have to protect him. Even if it’s from us.”
I blink at him as everything slowly starts to truly sink in. Up until now, I think I’ve been in shock, operating on a sort of autopilot, just trying to get through it all without losing my mind and falling apart.
But Reece’s words just whipped me out of the daze and into the scary, harsh reality.
Blue tried to kill himself.
He’s been battling feelings inside that were so terrible, so scary, and so overwhelming that he wanted to end his own life to escape them—and I never even knew. I saw tiny glimpses of his struggles, but nothing like this. He said he heard voices. A chill creeps up my spine when I think about what that could mean. And how long has this all been going on? He never talked to me about it. He didn’t give me, or anyone else, a chance to help him. He didn’t even say goodbye.
He was going to leave me.
The f*****g bird lied.
I can’t fly.
I didn’t soar to the sky and find freedom and peace.
And where is he now, with his endless taunting and promises?
I haven’t heard a peep out of him since I took a nosedive off the roof.
Freedom my a*s, douchebird. You f****d me up even worse.
Look what you’ve done to me.
Look what you’ve done to us.
I can’t stand being in a hospital. Just the smell of it makes me feel queasy. And the germs that could be lurking in the air, and on any surface. The germaphobe in me is on high alert. I’ve washed my hands so many times my skin is dry and raw.
Worry and bursts of crying wouldn’t let me rest or sleep and thankfully Ditra stayed on the phone with me almost all night long listening to my tearful tirade. I couldn’t stop replaying my entire history with Blue in my head. I analyzed every memory, every word spoken, every action and reaction. I’m sure I must have missed some big clue that should’ve set a bell off in my head that something was wrong, but I didn’t.
What I missed were hundreds of tiny clues. Some were cleverly hidden, and some were plain as day now that I’m looking for them, but not at all obvious at the time. The man I love with all my heart and soul was struggling in ways I can’t even comprehend and I had absolutely no idea it was even going on.
A lump of sadness and regret sits in my throat that I can’t swallow away. I let Blue down, I was blind and deaf to his pain, and I almost lost him.
How could I not know? What the hell was wrong with me?
Now I can’t help but wonder—was he ever really happy, or was it all some kind of mirage he created?
“You never truly know a person,” Ditra said last night. Maybe she’s right.
Over the years Blue and I have spent hours upon hours talking. We’ve touched each other in every way imaginable, been as close as two people can possibly be. I’ve tasted him, swallowed him, slept with him, woken with him. I’ve laughed with him and cried with him.
So how did this side of him slip through the cracks? Was I always too distracted with our relationship to notice? Did he purposely distract me so I wouldn’t see?
Reece and I meet up at the hospital at nine a.m., and the nurse can only tell us Blue is in stable condition because the doctor isn’t available to speak to us. We wait in the waiting room until noon, when Reece convinces me to walk down to the hospital café to grab something to eat. He admits to me over lunch that he also was up all night asking himself the same questions and beating himself up.
As we’re walking back to our designated waiting room, Reece stops short and stares at a woman standing in the main lobby of the hospital, who’s leaning over the reception desk.
“Ho-ly s**t,” he mutters under his breath. “I can’t believe she came.”
I squint at the woman with the long, jet black hair who looks vaguely familiar to me. She appears to be in her early fifties, beautiful and very well dressed, with an air of class and control about her.
“I want to see him right now.” I can hear her berating the nurse. “You get the doctor immediately. Do you know who I am? Who he is?”
“Who is that?” I ask Reece, glancing up at him. I know I’ve seen her before, but I cannot for the life of me place her face.
“It’s Ellie Von Bleu, the opera singer.”
I shake my head in confusion, not knowing who that is but of course I know that last name.
“Blue’s sister,” Reece adds, as if I should already know this.
My God. Suddenly it hits me. She’s the woman from the park I saw years ago. The one who Blue said he stopped to chat with. She gave Acorn a tennis ball.
The room spins and I lean against Reece for balance. I had no idea Blue had a sister. He never mentioned her—other than that day in the park when he described her as just a girl he talked to sometimes.
“He’s never mentioned her,” I say. “How does she even know he’s here?”
“I called her last night. I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure she would actually come.”
I stare at him with mounting anger.
“You could’ve told me. Do I have to be kept in the dark about everything? I’m his fiancée and I have no idea what’s going on. Now relatives are coming out of the woodwork and I feel like an idiot.”